The Headfull Horseguy
by Spoofmaster
Summary: A moviebased parody. Ickyboo Crow goes to Stupid Hollow to solve the mystery of the bodystealing Horseguy. Woooooooo. Now edited for typos.
1. In The Beginning

Well, hello everyone. Hopefully you can tell by my name that this is a spoof. It's not meant to be an insult to anyone. I love the movie Sleepy Hollow, and this is a spoof of that specific version of the story of the Headless Horseman. If you flame me, I will use said flames to keep my home warm and toasty.  
  
As with pretty much all of my comedies, this is written with a lot of help from my brother, MysticButtCrystal. Like the hippo, we are pure evil, but know not what we do.  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own any of this. Besides, it's not worth suing us for our pocket lint.  
  
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On a dark, stormy night, Billy Bob rode in a horse-drawn carriage, driven by his son, Willy Bob. They were just returning from their trip to the fireworks factory, and the whole carriage was stuffed with souvenirs. Also, several souvenirs had been duct taped to the back of the carriage and lit, to improve their speed. Speed was essential, considering the souvenirs had not been procured in a very legal manner.  
  
Suddenly, a black horse appeared behind them. Billy Bob shouted to Willy Bob to quicken their pace, but the mysterious horse kept up effortlessly. As it drew nearer, they could see the burning candle tied to the side of the saddle nearest the carriage. Surprisingly, the saddle was otherwise empty, except for one of the saddlebags, which bulged ominously.  
  
The two Bobs noted all this in the few seconds it took the horse to catch up to them, of course.  
  
Without warning, the overstuffed saddlebag burst open, and a strange, hairy- looking object flew out of it at Willy. Willy screamed as it latched onto his nose, and began tugging back and forth furiously.  
  
At the same moment, the candle touched the side of the carriage, and the whole thing went up in an explosion of color and noise. Billy Bob leapt out the side just in time to save himself, but when he looked around, Willy was nowhere to be seen. He shrugged, and dusted himself off. Then he realized that he had probably better go and get help.  
  
Checking around him, he saw a nearby Clown Burger across a field of wheat. (As you must know, Clown Burger is a very popular fast food chain, and they almost always locate themselves in fields of wheat. Also, their order- taking machine is in the shape of the face of a lovable clown. But, being the smart person you are, you already knew all that.)  
  
He staggered through the wheat, limping from his gout. Since he was in excruciating pain, and it was closer than the door, he approached the clown, and leaned against it.  
  
"Help! There's been a terrible accident!" he yelled at the clown's happy happy face.  
  
"Welcome to Clown Burger, where every day is a happy, sunshiny, clown-based day!" spazzed out the clown, adding a drunken laugh at the end.  
  
"I need help! My carriage blew up for perfectly legal reasons, and this weird horse is after me!" yelled Billy Bob.  
  
"Would you like fries with that?" wheezed the clown.  
  
"Yes, yes I w-NO! I need help! Call the police!" cried poor, pathetic Billy Bob.  
  
Suddenly, the strange horse appeared behind Billy Bob, and the hairy object flew out of the saddlebag once more. Oddly enough, Willy's headless burned corpse was draped across the horse's saddle. Even stranger, a solitary firework was crammed up his ass, sparking profusely.  
  
Billy laughed at the spectacle in spite of himself. The hairy object flew at him, hitting him in the face with much force, and killing him. His blood splattered across the Clown's grinning mouth and shiny red nose.  
  
"Have a happy clowny day!" gurgled the clown.  
  
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Ickyboo Crow (he's different!) strode over to the body that he had just spotted in the river. It appeared to contain 28 bullet holes, 2 knives jammed through its skull, a meat cleaver lodged in the groin, and a note attached, which read, "I killed this man! Me me me me! I'm the master crazy nutcase! I live at 3820 Edmund Street! Come and get me, you bastards!"  
  
"This body appears to contain many delicate clues we can use to find the cause of death with, through science," said Ickyboo. His fellow constables shrugged, and helped him lift the corpse into a wheelbarrow.  
  
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"When you find them in the river, the cause of death is drowning!" roared the big official-type guy. "Burn the body."  
  
"But, through science, we can see what the cause of death really was!" protested Ickyboo.  
  
"Drowning!" shouted the guy, waving his arms in the air above his head. "Drowning, I tell you!"  
  
With that, the corpse was thrown into the corpse-burning furnace, and that was the end of that.  
  
"This system is terrible! We never find out anything! This isn't justice; it's just stupid!" whined Ickyboo.  
  
"You're stupid," said the guy.  
  
"You're mean," sobbed Ickyboo.  
  
"Oh, and by the way, we're sending you to a little town full of murder. Cause we hate you and all," stated the guy.  
  
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Ickyboo sighed as he packed his things. He was going to miss New York. Even though everyone made fun of him. Constantly.  
  
When he was done, he approached his pet rat's cage. He knew he would not be able to keep Mr. Squeaky with him in a little town full of murder. Carefully, he lifted Mr. Squeaky and walked to the window.  
  
"Be free, Mr. Squeaky. Take care of yourself," sighed Ickyboo, tossing the rat out of his second story window.  
  
"Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak!" replied Mr. Squeaky as he plummeted to his doom.  
  
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As the carriage bumped over the pathetic dirt road heading to Stupid Hollow, Ickyboo reflected on his things. He leafed through his Ranma ½ manga, and sighed to himself.  
  
He pulled out a mirror, and gazed at his scar. Mysteriously, his scar was a large imprint of a trout on the left side of his face. An image of the fish that had so afflicted him flashed across his mind, and he put the mirror away quickly, feeling queasy.  
  
The carriage finally arrived at its destination, and Ickyboo stepped out onto the ground. As soon as he and his things were out, the driver spat on him, and drove quickly away.  
  
Blinking in surprise and confusion, Ickyboo picked up his bags, and headed for the town, passing between the gateposts, each of which was topped with a statue of an armadillo.  
  
As he passed in the streets below, all the people who happened to be in their houses threw dirty laundry and garbage at him. Several small children came up and kicked him in the shins.  
  
Running to avoid all this, he soon arrived at the big manor on the hill. According to his boss, it belonged to a family known as the Van Castles. After hesitating a moment, he rang the doorbell.  
  
Ickyboo was surprised at what he saw when the door was opened. A huge party was going on inside, with the playing of much Blink 182 music. He blinked at the strobe lights as he stepped inside. A girl, obviously soaring on ecstasy, was blindfolded, stumbling around like a drunk. She was trying to grab at a circle of people, who were dancing around her, and throwing peanuts at her head. As she tried to reach them she sang.  
  
"The pickety witch, the pickety witch, who's got a kiss for the pickety witch?!" she screeched, nearly grabbing hold of a girl.  
  
"Not me!" yelled the girl. "You dirty lesbian!"  
  
"I DO!" declared Ickyboo, grabbing her around the waist, and kissing her. ~Damn,~ thought Ickyboo, ~She's totally wasted! I'm gunna score tonight!~  
  
The mysterious girl lifted her blindfold and stared at Ickyboo with bloodshot eyes. Had she not been so thrashed, she might have been pretty. It would also probably help if she wasn't mumbling, "I'm a little teapot," and other such things.  
  
"I am Katrino," she said, in an unexpected moment of clarity.  
  
"And I am Broom," stated a big guy, stepping forward. "I am Katrino's fiancé."  
  
"Ah," said Ickyboo. "Good for you."  
  
"But we have not yet heard your name, stranger," stated Broom.  
  
"I have not yet said it," replied Ickyboo.  
  
"Then maybe you should," said Broom.  
  
"Why?" questioned Ickyboo.  
  
"Because otherwise I'll beat the shit out of you, fish face!" yelled Broom, causing Ickyboo to burst into tears and faint.  
  
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When Ickyboo woke up, he was in a room full of old guys with huge wigs. One man seemed to be having difficulties with his wig; it was trying to escape.  
  
"My name is Ickyboo Crow," stated Ickyboo. "I'm from the city. I came to solve the murders here."  
  
"Oh, yea, that," snored the man whose wig was trying to leave. "We were hoping you were a vacuum salesman. Ours broke."  
  
"Your vacuum?" asked Ickyboo.  
  
"No. Our vacuum salesman," stated the man, indicating a bleeding pile of flesh in the corner. "We accidentally ran over him with a thresher."  
  
"I see," said Ickyboo.  
  
"So, I am Faltus Van Castle," proclaimed the man, as he duct taped his wig to his head. "And these are my colleagues. This," he indicated a thin, evil-looking man, "is our mailman and record keeper. His name is Stinky the Mailman. And these fine people," he pointed now to a very obese man and a man wearing a bloody apron and holding a gigantic pill, "are Constable Plush Bottom, and Dr. Mario Von Schnickickick. Oh, and that over there is Pastor Richards."  
  
"Contribute to the Statue Salvation Fund," prompted Pastor Richards, a thoroughly unpleasant man.  
  
"I am.pleased.to meet you," said Ickyboo, shaking each man's hand. "So what has been happening here?"  
  
"Well, the Headfull Horseman has been attacking our citizens," stated Dr. Mario. "You see, 20 years ago, in the woods near here, a lumberjack met his end. While other lumberjacks had come for the money, and cutting of trees, this particular lumberjack had come for the mindless, brutal violence. He had chopped down many trees, but that never satisfied him. He obtained a horse, and learned to ride through villages, chopping off heads left and right with his deadly, deadly axe. After each time he killed a person in such a way, he took their headless body as a trophy. Soon, he had so many bodies, that he built a house for himself out of them."  
  
"But it all came to an end one night," said Constable Bottom, wiping his sweaty forehead with a filthy rag, tormented by the heat in the 60 degree room. "While returning home from a bar one night in a very drunken state, he tripped over a tree root, and fell, dropping his axe. The axe landed on his neck, and his head was chopped off. It was three days before he was found and buried. The locals just tossed him in the bottom of an old outhouse in the woods, and filled it in. Because of all that biological waste underneath it, the outhouse has since grown into a mighty tree. Now the Horseguy returns to torment us once more."  
  
"Well, that's just retarded," said Ickyboo.  
  
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So, how do you like it so far? Be sure to review it! 


	2. Some Stuff Happens

Review, damn it!  
  
Disclaimer: We do not own fish...err...or any of this...heheh.  
  
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Late that night, a man by the name of Jonathon Nazbutt climbed into the shaky little sniping tower that he and his son had built in a matter of a few hours. Nobody had asked them to build it, nor to guard the town, but he was determined to get a few shots off at the Horseguy. Not for any reasons along the lines of valor, heroism, or saving lives, mind you, but more because he was just that way.  
  
The little structure shuddered with his weight, and threatened to come down. Not that it was very tall. It only reached three feet above the ground. Nazbutt's son had to go and wedge wood underneath it, before it would stop trying to snap in half. Nazbutt could tell it would serve him well as a fortress.  
  
Suddenly, the horse burst out of the woods, and, out of the saddlebag flew the head of the Horseguy. In its teeth, it held an axe, and it was spinning very fast, like a propeller of death.  
  
Nazbutt fired, hitting the axe, and causing the whole thing to careen off into the woods. Unfortunately, it returned, like a boomerang of...death! It shredded through the tower, and whopped off his head, leaving his body untouched. Then, it jammed the axe into the corpse, and head and body flew off to the horse, and they all disappeared into the woods.  
  
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The next morning, Ickyboo set off after meeting Faltus Van Castle's wife, Lady Van Castle. When Ickyboo had asked what her first name was, she had given him a strange look, and told him that "Lady" really was her first name.  
  
At the house of the midwife, whose name was Betsy Supermitten, Ickyboo borrowed a horse. Betsy's husband, Philip, gave the horse to him and both of them were bothered by her son, Smiley.  
  
Actually, it wasn't a horse. It was really more of an ostrich. Its name was Footpowder, and it was pure evil. When it wasn't spinning in circles and pecking at Ickyboo's face, it was releasing noxious clouds of methane, seemingly from both ends, and maybe the middle, too. Come to think of it, it was doing that even when it was spinning and pecking.  
  
Ickyboo "rode" Footpowder to the clearing where a man named Nazbutt had been killed pointlessly the night before. There, several citizens had pounded a pointed stake into the ground, and were in the process of skewering the remains over it. The remains were, of course, just the head.  
  
"Kill the pig! Drink its blood! Kill the pig!" cried the citizens.  
  
"Did you move the body?" inquired Ickyboo.  
  
"There wasn't any body. It's just a head. We should bring it sacrifices," said one person.  
  
"By body," hissed Ickyboo, "I meant the remains in general, not the actual torso. In other words, did you move the head?"  
  
"Oh, well, that," stammered the still anonymous person. "We, eh, put it on that pointy stick, don't you know. Funny, that."  
  
"YOU MUST NEVER MOVE THE BODY!" shouted Ickyboo. For miles around, birds and animals of all sorts stopped what they were doing and stared in confusion at the noise, and the authors of this story sank slowly into a pit of mud. Let us hope, for the sake of the world, that they stay there.  
  
"Why not?" piped the ever-obnoxious Smiley, who had been worshipping Nazbutt's head with a particular frenzy.  
  
"Because it could be crawling with diseases, like ADD, or leprosy," stated Ickyboo knowledgably. "Now, I must examine it. Take it off that pointy stick."  
  
"But you said not to move-" started one person.  
  
"SHUT UP!" screamed Ickyboo. "Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up...."  
  
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Five hours later, Ickyboo collapsed from saying "shut up" far too much.  
  
Nervously, the one remaining person, a man by the name of Super Hero Super Cape Dude Super...eh...Phonograph (pretty awful name, huh?), handed Ickyboo the head.  
  
Ickyboo sat up, and got out his tongs and funny glasses. He put on the funny glasses, and used the tongs to start fiddling around with the neck of the severed head. Suddenly, a disgustingly large cockroach crawled from the neck, scaring Ickyboo, who promptly ran up a tree. After Super Hero Super Cape Dude Super Phonograph knocked him out of said tree with a pole, Ickyboo got back to work.  
  
Five more large cockroaches emerged, followed by a family of mice, two crows in their nest, and the Greenbay Packers.  
  
After being knocked out of the tree with the pole again, Ickyboo finished his examination. He had determined that the blade that had cut off the head was extremely hot, and made of space-age plastics.  
  
Upon finishing, Ickyboo had the man with the stupid name (Super-Whatsits, or some dumb shit like that) punt the head off into the woods, where it would no longer be a menace to society.  
  
Incidentally, a beaver found it very soon, and incorporated it into its dam. Sadly, when the head rotted, the dam burst, killed the beaver's entire family, the state of South Dakota, and roughly 50,000 other beavers that had been attending a seminar on why human heads are not proper dam- building materials.  
  
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Ickyboo wandered around Stupid Hollow on his untrusty steed, Footpowder, in search of the local dealer. There must be one, Katrino was evidence of that. To his horror and dismay, he realized that he had no hope of finding the dealer, and that he needed to take a dump. Quickly, he spotted the nearest outhouse, and entered.  
  
Upon sitting down, Ickyboo discovered that the seat of the loo had been coated in syrup, and his rear was now a sweet breakfast treat. For bears, or something. You probably wouldn't be interested.  
  
Quickly, Ickyboo stood up, and tried to clean the mess with toilet paper. However, someone had spread itching powder in the paper, and his ass and hands were soon aflame with itching...ness.  
  
Ickyboo paused and wondered what his next course of action should be. Within seconds, he came to the decision that running screaming from the outhouse would be just the thing. He did so, breaking the door in his haste to carry out his decision.  
  
As he dashed across the field, Ickyboo fell into a cleverly disguised pit that had been covered in leaves. To his disappointment, the bottom was lined with carefully arranged sharpened bamboo poles.  
  
Broom and his seven Oompa Loompa minions strolled over to the pit, and gazed down in satisfaction at the bleeding, twitching Ickyboo.  
  
"That'll teach him to remain anonymous," sneered Broom.  
  
With that, the Oompa Loompas burst into song.  
  
"Oompa Loompa, oompa-dee-da, Telling your name will get you quite far! If you don't you'll be boiled in tar! Oompa Loompa, oompa-dee-dar!"  
  
With that, the Oompa Loompas burst, not into song this time, but into flame.  
  
"Damnit," sighed Broom. "That was really stupid."  
  
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Ickyboo dreamed of his past. In his dream, he was still a little kid, without a fish-shaped scar.  
  
In his dream, Ickyboo approached a field where his mother was. She floated effortlessly around in the pit he found her in. Knowing the game, he pulled back the lever, and let the spring pull it forward again, launching his mother into the game proper. She rebounded off of several cylinders that insisted on going "bing, bing", and, quite happily, flew up the chute that gave Ickyboo one hundred bonus points. She fell downwards to his flipper, and he launched her off again. She scored many more points for him, but, sadly, she fell between the flippers, ending the game.  
  
Ickyboo smiled stupidly in his sleep.  
  
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The next morning, at the funeral of Jonathon Nazbutt, Ickyboo received many cold stares for insisting on having the only remains of the deceased punted. The funeral finally ended, to his relief, and Constable Plush Bottom approached him.  
  
"Using crocodiles as underwear is never wise," advised Constable Bottom, "But you should dig up some corpses, put them in each others' coffins upside-down, piss on them, and re-bury them. I've done it several times, and it is quite fun."  
  
Ickyboo stared in shock and disgust at his fellow constable, who stumbled off drunkenly.  
  
Next, the son of Nazbutt came to Ickyboo.  
  
"Now I'm the one-and-only Nazbutt," he commented glumly.  
  
"Yes, that's nice," said Ickyboo distractedly, staring at yonder Katrino, who was tripped out on acid and making hard-core love to a tree.  
  
"Will you hire me, and feed me?" asked Young Nazbutt. "I was planning on eating my father's remains to survive for the next few days, so you owe it to me."  
  
"Okay, whatever," said Ickyboo. "You'd better have a strong stomach."  
  
"I do! Once, I ate some nails, and I didn't bleed at all!" replied Young Nazbutt, causing Ickyboo to slap him.  
  
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Mmyep, that's it for now, and the tree thing was MBC's idea. 


	3. Everyone Loves Volleyball!

Sorry these chapters are so few and far between, but that's just the way this will work.  
  
Disclaimer: Nobody loves you.  
  
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Ickyboo pressed the scented cloth to his nose to block out the stink of piss-coated corpses.  
  
"Mmmm, lavender...." sighed Ickyboo fruitally. He felt that it was his duty to undo the heinous accomplishments against the dead that Constable Plush Bottom had enacted. Therefore, he had brought several men, Young Nazbutt, and Smiley, who delighted in jumping into the coffins with the corpses and telling them what he wanted for Christmas.  
  
They were nearly done with the cleaning and sorting of bodies (and heads), when Smiley grabbed the head of a former Widow Windowslip, and chucked it at Young Nazbutt. Within minutes, a fierce volleyball tournament had erupted, one which the town would never forget, and Ickyboo would always try to.  
  
The players were hampered slightly when the head of the widow burst in a glory of brains, spiders, and congealed piss, but they simply moved on to the next head, ecstatic to be out having fun.  
  
"That's it!" snarled Ickyboo, as he grabbed Young Nazbutt, hopped on Footpowder, and tore off into the woods. Or, as Footpowder would have it, into the wall of the nearest barn, and only then into the woods.  
  
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Ickyboo and Young Nazbutt rode erratically through the creepy and unpleasant woods. Suddenly, Ickyboo witnessed some smoke curling expertly above the branches.  
  
"Maybe the psycho who's killing everyone lives there," commented Ickyboo proudly.  
  
And, so, they approached a cave, from which the smoke, now smug from someone noticing how good it was at curling, still rose.  
  
"You wait out here," said Ickyboo to Young Nazbutt, "Or else I'll beat you."  
  
Nazbutt obediently sat down on a large rock, and contemplated the amount of ostrich burger Footpowder might be expected to come to.  
  
Ickyboo tiptoed into the cave-hut-thingy, wielding a handgun and a blowfish.  
  
"Hello? Helloooooo?" he asked stupidly, staring straight over the head of the cave's inhabitant, a squat, ape-like woman in a dirty shawl.  
  
"I'm right here, dipshit," said the quite smelly creature.  
  
"BLLLLH!" exclaimed Ickyboo. More calmly, he added, "azzzsszz."  
  
"My name is Wenchy Wench, and this is the home of the Wench Burger," she stated. "Or not. Depends on whether you like your innards tied in knots and punctured repeatedly."  
  
"Of course. Most things do," said Ickyboo intelligently.  
  
"Yes, yes they do," she acknowledged.  
  
"Have you been killing people recently?" questioned Ickyboo quite subtly.  
  
"No. Not recently, at least. That'll be that stupid smelly head," she growled. "Would you like to sit down? I can make us some tea, and we can talk about it."  
  
"Why, yes, that would be quite nice," smiled Ickyboo.  
  
At the table, Wenchy poured two cups of nice, hot tea.  
  
"Would you like milk?" she inquired.  
  
"Why, yes, of course. So...you too believe that a rampaging head is responsible for the deaths of the villagers?"  
  
"Of course I do. It's true," she replied, as she cut the head off a bat, and squeezed its blood into Ickyboo's cup. "I'm not some nut, you know, I only believe things that are true."  
  
"Thank you for your hospitality," said Ickyboo, sipping his tea.  
  
"Oh, I don't get many visitors, so I tend to treat the ones I do have properly. None of that 'Tell-me-your-name-or-I-lay-a-trap-of-syrup-and- pungy-pits' you get in the towns around here. Quite a painful experience, that."  
  
"Yes," winced Ickyboo. "It is."  
  
"My God. I was joking!"  
  
"So, anyway, about this rampaging head," prodded Ickyboo.  
  
"Don't prod me. Your hands are filthy," complained Wenchy.  
  
"Oh, my apologies. As I was asking."  
  
"Yes, well, I know where that dead thing lives, so I'll just tell you the directions, and you can do what you like. You might want to write this down."  
  
"Oh, no, I have no pen. I'm sure I can remember," said Ickyboo in earnest.  
  
"All right then. You seek the psycho sprinkled with wood chips, the Headfull Horseguy. Follow the possum trail to where the wolf shits. Follow to the Outhouse of Doom. Climb in to the Horseguy's resting place," screamed Wenchy disturbingly, just before her face exploded, and her tongue knocked over every pot in the room.  
  
"Yuck!" commented Ickyboo, and, stopping to grab her DVD player, he left.  
  
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Outside, Ickyboo was confronted by Young Nazbutt, who was holding determinedly onto the arm of a struggling Katrino, who was obviously on a particularly bad magic carpet ride.  
  
"I think we should take her back to town," explained Nazbutt. "She was trying to get into a fox burrow when I found her."  
  
"All right," consented Ickyboo, and they walked back to Stupid Hollow, leading the useless (and hopefully doomed) Footpowder.  
  
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I'M GUNNA MAKE TOOOAST! 


	4. I Eats With My Feets

YOUR MIND TRICKS WILL NOT WORK ON ME, COLONEL SANDERS!!!!  
  
Eheheh. Mmmmmm, chicken....  
  
Disclaimer: Feel free to browse, but please don't carouse, hoho.  
  
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Ickyboo and Nazbutt strode towards the edge of Stupid Hollow, pulling a recalcitrant Footpowder, to whom Katrino was tied for safekeeping.  
  
"Go now. Take Katrino home, for the good of the city," commanded Ickyboo spectacularly, and much out of character.  
  
"I obey," grunted Nazbutt in untypical Engrish. "Have you seen any sailors?"  
  
As Ickyboo watched Nazbutt and Katrino move off, he reflected on the stupidity of this chapter's beginning. Surely they could come up with better stuff than this crap.  
  
Ickyboo looked around. Over in the graveyard, he could see the silhouette of Constable Plush Bottom standing odiously at the foot of an unsuspecting grave.  
  
"Oh, shit," acknowledged Ickyboo. "Hey! Get away from there!"  
  
Constable Bottom gazed forlornly at Ickyboo. "They need me," he stated.  
  
Ickyboo made a disgusted noise, and hurried to reach the Constable before he could carry out his dark mission. He stopped short at the sight of the figure of a horse appearing behind the rotund man.  
  
Ickyboo relaxed when he saw the figure of a woman on the equine's back. Unbeknownst to Ickyboo, it was not a normal woman. It was really the Headfull Horseguy, fresh from having discovered a discarded mannequin. It was just the Horseguy's poor luck that it was an extremely feminine mannequin. The Headfull Horseguy had managed to rig up an extremely complicated, physically impossible, and generally baffling system of gears, pulleys, fishing wire, and two rolls of duct tape, all with his teeth, and during his lunch break, with which he controlled the limbs of the plastic figure, as well as those of this run-on sentence. The entire ordeal was wrapped in a skimpy cocktail dress, and might have been attractive to someone who was into mannequins with icky human heads. In cocktail dresses. Oh, yeah.  
  
The Horsequeer raised his axe, accompanied by a symphony of creaks and groans. He--it--swung the axe in a strange curve, taking Constable Plush Bottom's head clean off. However, because of the odd angle, it gave the head a comical spin.  
  
Constable Bottom's head spun and spun, seeming to actually gain velocity. The large, unpleasant nose gave the entire thing spectacular lift, and it zoomed off into space, adding to the mysteries of the cosmos.  
  
Ickyboo stared numbly after it, shock filling its familiar groove in his face.  
  
The Horsegay, displeased with his lack of enthusiasm, punched Ickyboo soundly in the face, and Ickyboo sank into the pits of unconsciousness.  
  
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Ickyboo dreamt.  
  
In his dream, he saw his mother once more. She hummed as she stirred the bubbling contents of the stew pot. Ickyboo had always loved the stew his mother made for him. It had some element of pure goodness that he could never describe. He had always felt at ease and at home when his mother cooked for him. He smiled happily.  
  
Suddenly, several large men dressed in black, with the letters "FBI" plastered across their hats burst into the room. They grabbed Ickyboo's mother, and pointed accusingly at the stew pot, which they grabbed also. Ickyboo charged at them, and managed to free his mother for an instant. Images of trout flashed through his mind, and he awoke with a start.  
  
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"Blargh!" screeched Ickyboo upon awakening, terrifying Nazbutt, who had come to steal his wallet.  
  
"What is it, sir?" inquired Nazbutt, hiding his hands in his pockets.  
  
"I must find the Horseguy! You are coming with me!" snapped Ickyboo.  
  
"I'm coming too!" chattered Katrino, sporting a suspicious white blotch under her nose.  
  
"Whatever," sighed Ickyboo.  
  
#######################################################################  
  
"Do you even know where we're going?" inquired Nazbutt. "We've been walking for hours!"  
  
"It's been five minutes!" snapped Ickyboo. "And I know the way. Wenchy Wench gave me directions. I just have to remember them. Let's see...You seek the monkey piled with corn beef hash...no, that's not it...I talked to him yesterday...ah, yes! You seek the warrior bathed in blood, the Hessian Horseman. Follow the Indian trail to where the sun dies. Follow to the Tree of the Dead. Climb down to the Horseman's resting place."  
  
"Are you sure? I thought he was the Horseguy, not the Horseman. Are you sure you're not mixing this up with something else?" prodded Nazbutt.  
  
"Stop prodding me, eunuch. Your hands are cold and clammy," protested Ickyboo. "Come now. We must find the Indian trail."  
  
"I think it's in there," put in Katrino, pointing excitedly down a gopher hole. Ickyboo slapped her, and they all set off.  
  
####################################################################  
  
Ichabod Crane, Katrina VanTassel, and young Masbeth approached the Tree of the Dead with great trepidation. Spurred on by recent incidents, they had come to find the lair of the Headless Horseman, and stop his evil ways. Ichabod, after observing the tree, pulled a hatchet from his saddlebag.  
  
Just then, Ickyboo Crow, Katrino VanCastle, and young Nazbutt emerged from the trees into the desolate little clearing. Katrino was the first to notice the other set of characters, and shouted out.  
  
"Woa, it's like a living mirror!" she bellowed, moments before falling off her horse, hitting her head on a rock, and falling unconscious. Katrina realized what the crackhead had meant, and burst into tears.  
  
Ichabod stared in absolute horror at his counterpart.  
  
"Fishface!" he cried in a panic.  
  
"Pitpalms!" retaliated Ickyboo.  
  
Both of them burst into tears, rushed at each other, and engaged in a geeky slap fight.  
  
Masbeth and Nazbutt found reasonably clean rocks, sat down on them, and started playing cards.  
  
The Headless Horseman burst unexpectedly from the Tree of the Dead. Katrino awoke from the noise, and everyone scattered.  
  
#####################################################################  
  
Half an hour later, Ickyboo and Nazbutt had regrouped, and hunted down Katrino, who had wrapped herself around the trunk of a pine, and claimed to be the Tree Wizard. They moved on, trying to find some sign of where they should go.  
  
"I know," said Ickyboo, "You seek the torso smelling of goats, the Limbless Goatboy. Follow the drainage ditch to where the beavers cluck. Follow to the Pen of the Damned. Run around in the Goatboy's resting place."  
  
"I don't think that's right at all," started Nazbutt.  
  
"Quiet, you," spat Ickyboo.  
  
####################################################################  
  
Stickymod Clay, Katono VanHassle, and really old Spazzcut gathered in the clearing. Only a few feet in front of them, the Pen of the Damned stood, gathering dew. Its rickety fence swayed in the wind, and they simply stood, not wanting to come nearer.  
  
Ickyboo peered through the foliage, and silently halted Nazbutt and Katrino.  
  
"Who they hell are they?" he murmured.  
  
"I told you it wasn't the right rhyme. Now you've gotten us trapped in a horrible running gag," muttered Nazbutt.  
  
"Whatever," sighed Ickyboo. "We'd best go."  
  
Just then, a goat, carrying upon its back a limbless torso, wandered bleating from the pen. The torso, unable to grip due to its lack of legs, toppled off, and its head smashed open against a rock like so much moldy pumpkin.  
  
"Oh, blagh," commented Ickyboo. "If that wasn't a poorly orchestrated plea for attention, I don't know what is."  
  
With that, the trio left, depressed that the authors obviously had found their way out of that mud puddle.  
  
###################################################################  
  
Ickyboo suddenly sat up straight in his saddle on Footpowder's back. Footpowder honked indignantly, and let loose the thirty-seventh cloud of the day.  
  
Ickyboo smiled and grimaced at the same time. He had found Wenchy's house again! Surely she would be willing to repeat the verse!  
  
On the door was a note. It read:  
  
"You seek the psycho sprinkled with wood chips, the Headfull Horseguy. Follow the possum trail to where the wolf shits. Follow to the Outhouse of Doom. Climb in to the Horseguy's resting place.  
  
Dumbass."  
  
Following the note's instructions, they finally reached their destination, the Outhouse of Doom. Like it had been told in the stories, it stood as a great monolith, the crescent moon glowing eerily.  
  
"Finally," whined Nazbutt.  
  
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Sorry it's been so long since the last update. Things will actually happen next chapter. You know...things that are relevant. 


	5. Our Blood and Guts Phase

PIE!  
  
Disclaimer: Why did Gillette send me a razor? If they think I'll help them in their global domination, they are sadly mistaken.  
  
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"STEWPD HLOW OWLZ RULZ 2 MUCH, SUXORZ!!!!11!" stated a rather stupid looking teen as he sprinted past through the clearing, and off into the woods. He carried a shovel, and wore a sports jersey that said "Stupid Hollow High Owls" on it.  
  
Ickyboo shook his head in confusion, Nazbutt scratched his head, and Katrino spasmed and crapped herself.  
  
"Let's just get to work," sighed Ickyboo.  
  
They approached the large door on the front of the tree, and Ickyboo flung it open, exposing a small cavern inside. An axe was flung against the wall, next to a soiled mattress and several empty liquor bottles. The walls were a mass of graffiti and expended bubble gum, and the soil had been recently disturbed.  
  
"Hmmmm," wondered Ickyboo. "It appears that this area has been recently disturbed."  
  
"How can you tell?" sneered Nazbutt sarcastically, for which he was promptly slapped.  
  
They all crossed the filthy love nest to the disturbed soil, and Ickyboo raised the shovel, which has not been mentioned before but that he was conveniently carrying. In fact, he had been carrying it off and on since the very beginning of this story. We just didn't mention it because we thought it might upset you.  
  
When the sacred earth (hmmm?) had been removed from the hole, all that remained was a very large shoebox that must have been for boots or something.  
  
"Wow, a very large shoebox that must have been for boots or something," commented Ickyboo.  
  
"The narrator already said that," intoned Nazbutt, for which he was promptly slapped.  
  
Ickyboo pried off the lid, revealing....  
  
[The authors find it extremely necessary here to warn you that the following is extremely stupid, and contains scenes of extreme skull existence. We advise you to use extreme caution, and extremely not to read it to extreme children. Thank you extremely.]  
  
...a skull! Skully Skull McSkullicle! It existed, and it was a skull! A skull was in the box! Not a femur, not a rib, no, a skull! A skull of which caliber there was no comparison, for it was a skull of great skullyness!  
  
"Ah, a skull!" exclaimed Ickyboo. "But...what the hell?!"  
  
The skull's magnificence had been tainted! Its beautiful white surface had been irreversibly marred! It was ruined! Wronged! Desecrated! A once wonderful skull had been brought into...ruin! Ruin! Ruin! Ruuuuin!!!!  
  
[Okay. We'll extremely stop now.]  
  
The skull had been plastered with makeup. Lipstick was smeared across the teeth and general mouth area as a banner of rebellion, in a red so bright as to make Frank Furter's lips look bland and uninteresting. Eye shadow presented itself as a formidable competition to the lipstick, coating the entire insides of both eye sockets in a blaze of shimmering peacock green. The nonexistent eyebrows of the skull were accented with lavish clumps of eyebrow pencil. Perfect 1-inch circles of blush stood out upon the cheekbones, and the entire thing had a base color reminiscent of Madam Cleo. Across the once-majestic forehead was scrawled "OWLZ R #1!" in Magic Marker.  
  
"No they're not," contradicted Nazbutt.  
  
"Eh?" asked Ickyboo.  
  
"They haven't made a touchdown in five years, and most of them do more drugs than Katrino."  
  
Both Ickyboo and Nazbutt looked over at Katrino, who was rubbing her face in the mattress, and chanting, "Funny smell, funny smell" over and over.  
  
They shuddered.  
  
"So...anyways..." continued Ickyboo. "If the skull is here, where is the body?"  
  
"Maybe it was stolen, and is being used in a complicated spell to control the Headfull Horseguy in a violent manner," suggested Katrino.  
  
"Shut the hell up," snapped Ickyboo. "Wait! I have an idea! Maybe the body was stolen, and is being used to control the Headfull Horseguy!"  
  
"One beggar stealing from another," muttered Nazbutt, for which he was promptly slapped.  
  
They went outside to search for more clues, which was fortunate, since the Headfull Horseguy and his horse chose that moment to burst from the side of the tree.  
  
"Holy crap!" screeched Ickyboo, pointing at the ground. "That clover has five leaves!"  
  
Nazbutt gave a disgusted, Kiff-esque sigh, and pointed out several recent events to Ickyboo.  
  
"Oh," stuttered Ickyboo. "That tree must have a gateway to Hell in it. Or something. Let's look!"  
  
He caught the waving branches of the tree before they could close, and yanked them open. He peered inside at Hell. Funny, Hell looked a lot like a kindergarten classroom.  
  
"Hullo!!" bellowed a short-armed purple demon. "Will you be my special friend?"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ickyboo slammed the branches down, as the mantra, "I love you, you love me...." rang out throughout the forest. The right hand of the monster strained out through the knot of bark, reaching for Ickyboo. Ickyboo grabbed his axe, and hacked at the thing furiously.  
  
Yes, he had an axe, too, smartass. For the complete list of things he's carrying, please consult a local physician as to the largest amount of stuff a single person can carry.  
  
Blue blood spurted from the stump of the arm, and the underdeveloped hand thrashed on the ground. Our trio ran for the woods as fast as they could go, and Ickyboo hopped on Footpowder, preferring to follow the Horseguy rather than stay in the clearing.  
  
######################################################################  
  
Betsy Supermitten and her husband, Philip, sat at the kitchen table, enjoying a rare moment of peace, since Smiley was in the next room, lighting the cat on fire. Strange, creepy shapes were projected onto the walls as the flaming feline contorted in a dance of agony. Smiley watched the shadows, a childish smile playing on his innocent little lips.  
  
The sound of a blazing kitty knocking things over and lighting them on fire came from the room Smiley was occupying, and Betsy sighed, and headed off through the door to try to preserve the house.  
  
Without warning, the front door burst open, and the Horseguy burst in, just as she closed the door behind her. Philip leapt up, but his character was far too undeveloped for him to defend himself against the Horseguy long.  
  
Betsy realized what was happening as Philip screamed away his last breath, and snatched up Smiley. She was determined to save her precious little angel by concealing him from the Horseguy, so she headed for the bathroom.  
  
She jammed Smiley's head into the toilet, and attempted to push the rest of him down with the plunger, as she flushed repeatedly. His limp, lifeless legs jutted up out of the crapper as the Horseguy entered the room.  
  
Betsy turned to face the killer, and was quickly cut down.  
  
The Horseguy surveyed the room, and shook his head in disgust at Smiley's remains. Disdainfully, he used the plunger to push Smiley down the rest of the way, since no one likes a floater.  
  
##################################################################  
  
Ickyboo entered town to see Broom alternately throwing money at a horse, and then slapping its ass in a gleeful, perverted way, as his new batch of four Oompa Loompa minions looked on.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?!" objected Ickyboo.  
  
"You can't spell horse without whore!" giggled Broom.  
  
"Yes you can! You're just an idiot! Hey...whose horse is that?" gulped Ickyboo, suddenly feeling a knot of worry in his gutty wuts.  
  
The Horseguy emerged from the flaming house of the midwife, a mere ten feet away, and stopped and stared in utter horror at the sight of his beloved steed being molested by a brash hick. Lifting his axe high, he approached menacingly.  
  
"Oh, that just figures," groaned Ickyboo. "Stop pleasuring that horse and run, you jackass!"  
  
"So you think you can come in to my town, kill all of my friends, and then get upset when I just try to have a little fun with your horse?!" railed Broom at the Horseguy.  
  
"Oompa Loompa oompa dee dar! Killing townspeople is going too far! Beastuality isn't so bad, But murdering people makes everyone sad!" sang the Oompa Loompas.  
  
"Oh, gack," uttered a semi-resigned Ickyboo. "I hate you all!"  
  
An appalled Horseguy took this moment to lunge at Broom. Broom dodged, and grabbed one of his Oompa Loompa minions by its feet. He swung it upwards just as the Horseguy swung his axe downwards. The two weapons met with a mighty thud, and a sinking, sucking noise. Blood spurted everywhere, and the two fighters tugged back and forth at the mass of orange flesh and shining steel. Broom won the tug-of-war, but the slimy, slippery mess was too hard to hold on to, and it sailed off into the woods.  
  
Meanwhile, Ickyboo cast about himself for his own instrument of death, and was fortunate enough to spy a conveniently placed chainsaw, sunk halfway into a ripe, mutilated goat carcass.  
  
"It's not much, but it'll do," sighed Ickyboo, looking jealously at Broom and the Horseguy, who had each now picked up an Oompa Loompa, and were swinging them like pillows at a slumber party.  
  
"Oompa Loomp-UG!" spasmed the Oompa Loompas, as they attempted to sing a song to convey that it was bad to use small, ugly men as bludgeons, and failed spectacularly.  
  
The fourth Oompa Loompa had jumped down a hole, only to reemerge as a screaming blob of writhing rodents. You see, he had happened upon the nest of rare Brazilian flesh-eating gophers.  
  
"EEEEEEEEE!" he screamed, and careened into Ickyboo.  
  
Ickyboo, having just managed to start his chainsaw, stumbled forward, skewering the mannequin body of the Horseguy, who in turn fell forward and impaled Broom on the same weapon.  
  
"Eeeuuww," moaned Ickyboo, and he stepped away from the great pile of corpses. Instantly, the two Oompa Loompas that had been used as weapons were dragged out from between the fallen combatants and off into the woods by a bear. There, the bear cocooned them, and used her proboscis to suck out their fluids at a later date.  
  
[?!!!]  
  
A drunken owl, meandering though the sky on his way home after work, had a cardiac arrest and fell on Ickyboo's head, knocking him unconscious.  
  
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Yes, a bear. 


	6. Of Owls And Letters

Wow, we're moving fast! Like...a snail or something!!  
  
Disclaimer: We do not own tuna fish.  
  
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Ickyboo awoke to find Pastor Richards, Dr. Mario Von Schnickickick, Stinky the Mailman, and Faltus Van Castle looking at him.  
  
"Hmmmm," sighed Dr. Mario. "This will be a very difficult case."  
  
"What is it?! What's wrong?!" wailed Ickyboo.  
  
[No, not whaled. We're not talking about going out on a boat, hunting down whales, and then boiling them down. We're talking about wailing, as in anguish. You twit.]  
  
"See for yourself," advised Stinky, holding up a mirror.  
  
Ickyboo gazed into his reflection.  
  
"AAAHHH! There's an imprint of a fish on my face!" screeched Ickyboo.  
  
"No, you evildoer!" exclaimed Pastor Richards. "You've had that for years! Didn't you read the first chapter?! Now, shut up and donate me some money!"  
  
"It's the owl," moaned Faltus, indicating the very large and very dead bird, which had managed to tangle itself irreversibly into Ickyboo's hair.  
  
Katrino burst in.  
  
"Ickyboo, Ickyboo, I've heard about your problem!" she screamed, cramming twenty sugar cubes into her mouth.  
  
Quickly, she grabbed the owl and yanked it off of Ickyboo's head, pulling out large clumps of his hair. Ickyboo screamed indifferently, and Katrino shoved her new prize into her bra.  
  
"Drink this, drink this!" she suggested. "It will soothe your paaaaain!"  
  
She crammed a chunky mixture of what appeared to be cough syrup and peanut butter down his throat.  
  
"No, Katrino!" cried Faltus. "You have done a bad thing!"  
  
Ickyboo swooned.  
  
######################################################################  
  
Ickyboo dreamt.  
  
In his dream, he saw his mother break free from the grip of the FBI agents. She dashed to the fish bin.  
  
[As any normal person knows, a fish bin is where normal families store large quantities of dead fish. You are normal enough to know that, and to have a fish bin of your own, aren't you?]  
  
Fish sailed through the air as Ickyboo's mother began to use them as projectile weapons. The FBI agents staggered, screamed, and grunted at the sheer fishiness. One of them, however, busted out a flamethrower, which he promptly used on Ickyboo's mother.  
  
The final fish she had managed to throw glided gracefully through the flames. With a resounding slap, it smashed into Ickyboo's left cheek, still red-hot and melting. With a cry of anguish, he staggered backwards.  
  
[Mini time-lapse within a flashback: #######################################]  
  
"Samantha Crow, you stand accused of kidnapping over forty babies over the past seven years, killing them, and cooking them in a stew, which you fed to your family," pronounced the judge to the charred skeleton that had been propped up against the wall. "How do you plead?"  
  
The skeleton made no response, except for its left hand falling off and disintegrating into dust as it hit the floor.  
  
"Very well. Samantha Crow, I pronounce you guilty, and sentence you to death by head smashing."  
  
A mysterious sign had appeared on the skeleton, saying, "You're gunna need a bigger gun!"  
  
The bailiff, ignoring the sign, walked up and punched the skeleton in the head. The skull, being a charred and therefore inferior skull, a skull deprived of moisture, a skull of compromised structure, and being of only semi-appealing skullness, exploded in a cloud of dust.  
  
Ickyboo watched on from the audience portion of the courtroom. This was the last time he saw his mother. Afterward, he was put in a foster home, where he was locked in a closet by night, and molested by day. Thus, he became Ickyboo Crow: Extreme Wuss.  
  
"And let this be a lesson to others of the Baby-Yum cult. Your day will come," proclaimed the judge.  
  
#####################################################################  
  
Ickyboo woke up crying.  
  
Katrino was sitting on the end of the bed and twitching like a chipmunk. Being high on only sugar, she was much more coherent than usual.  
  
"What's wrong?" she asked.  
  
Ickyboo sighed. "I was dreaming about my mother. She was an innocent child of nature, killed by a man behind a mask of righteousness."  
  
"That sucks," offered Katrino insensitively.  
  
"Hey...why are you even in my room?" asked Ickyboo.  
  
"The flowerpot commanded, and the plow backed him up," she replied darkly.  
  
"What kind of sugar is that?" inquired Ickyboo.  
  
"OOO, CLOUDS!" Katrino commented, as she leapt through the open window and fell three floors to the ground.  
  
Ickyboo sighed. Just then, Nazbutt walked in, carrying a letter.  
  
"Your superiors in New York have written to you," muttered Nazbutt. "I think you had better read this."  
  
Ickyboo quickly took the letter, and slapped Nazbutt for reading his mail. Upon reading it, he learned that it said this:  
  
Ickyboo Crow,  
What the hell is happening up there?! Why haven't you written to us?! You're supposed to give us reports, you nitwit!  
Sincerely,  
Sergeant Krinkydink  
  
P.S.: If you are done with your case, please return to New York immediately, as we are experiencing an outbreak of drownings, and need all the help we can get in herding citizens away from the river, and in dragging them out when we fail.  
  
"Oh, and this came too," said Nazbutt, handing Ickyboo another letter. The return address read "Master Crazy Nutcase, 3820 Edmund Street, New York, NY".  
  
Ickyboo opened the letter, and read it, and it said:  
  
So, Constable Crow, our great clash of wits continues. So far, I have killed three hundred more of those you are sworn to protect, just like I did the one you dredged up two weeks ago. Can you stop me? Your time is winding down. Tick tock, tick tock!  
-Master Crazy Nutcase  
  
"What's that about?" inquired Nazbutt.  
  
"I believe it was from a man attempting to sell me a clock," said Ickyboo.  
  
"Oh," said Nazbutt, and Ickyboo threw this second letter into the fire.  
  
"But, all the same," murmured Ickyboo. "I had better respond to both my letters."  
  
Ickyboo's letter to his superiors read like so:  
  
Dear Sirs;  
The murders up here are being committed by the zombie head of a long- deceased serial murder-type lumberjack. All I need to do is to find the person who is using the rest of his remains to control him, and then I can stop the killings and return to New York.  
Sincerely,  
Constable Ickyboo Crow  
  
His second letter read:  
  
Dear salesman of 3820 Edmund Street;  
I am not interested in purchasing any of your timepieces. I hope that in the future, you will please refrain from pestering me with your junk mail.  
Sincerely,  
Constable Ickyboo Crow  
  
"We must mail these letters immediately!" shouted Ickyboo.  
  
"Oh, yes," jeered Nazbutt. "If we don't, they might spoil!"  
  
He was promptly slapped.  
  
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Hey, sorry about the long time between updates, which was, as always, a simple matter of laziness on our part. We're hoping to finish this soon, and move on to our next story, which will be completely written before it goes up in order to avoid this.  
  
Oh, and by the way, we are looking for a beta reader or two to read this garbage before it goes up. If you are interested, just say so in your review, and leave your email address. However, if any beta reader of ours is ever caught putting our work up as theirs, they will be promptly slapped, and then haunted by bad reviews. 


	7. Chapter 7

Another chapter this soon? You lucky, lucky person. Why are we still free of beta readers?  
  
Disclaimer: I am not the very model of a modern Major General.  
  
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Ickyboo and Nazbutt stepped through the doorway and into the musty post office. Unfortunately, they forgot to open the door, and their entrance was detrimental to the physical condition of said door, and gave them splinters.  
  
"Ow," stated Ickyboo.  
  
"Ow," seconded Nazbutt.  
  
"Hey, where's Stinky?" inquired Ickyboo.  
  
"I have no idea...this is really strange. Normally, he never leaves," muttered Nazbutt.  
  
"Boo!" exclaimed Stinky the Mailman, hopping out from behind the counter.  
  
Nazbutt and Ickyboo stared.  
  
"We're here to mail some letters," explained Ickyboo.  
  
"Ah, yes," muttered Stinky, taking the letters and cramming them in a bag. "The delivery truck will come by sometime tomorrow."  
  
"Thank you," said Ickyboo, and they started to leave.  
  
"Wait!" cried the mailman. "I am scared of the Horseguy...will you help me hide from him?"  
  
"Sure!" said Ickyboo eagerly.  
  
Stinky walked over to a tiny cabinet on the wall. He opened it, and removed the government-issue fire extinguisher contained within.  
  
"I would like to hide in here," he smiled.  
  
"But...how will you fit?" asked Nazbutt.  
  
"Ah," grinned Stinky, "That's where you come in. I have done the measurements, and I know I could fit, if only I did not have these accursed arms and legs. Here's a scimitar."  
  
Nazbutt turned green, but Ickyboo gleefully accepted the proffered weapon. Within moments, Stinky's limbs had been hacked from his body, and lay strewn about the floor. The remaining torso and head, still alive and grinning, was hoisted into the cabinet, and the door was shut. A thick ribbon of blood oozed from the bottom of the door.  
  
"A job well done," pronounced Ickyboo proudly.  
  
Nazbutt threw up.  
  
#####################################################################  
  
Somewhere on the way home, Ickyboo suddenly stopped.  
  
"I have found some evidence!" he shouted.  
  
Nazbutt looked around, and could see no evidence of anything. He said so to Ickyboo, and Ickyboo laughed.  
  
"Of course you would not see it! You are far too inexperienced! But there it is!" Ickyboo pointed at the stack of firewood in front of a random townsperson's house.  
  
"Random my ass. I've lived here my whole life," muttered the townsperson. "Hell, I was even the mayor once!"  
  
And, with that, he vanished from the story forever.  
  
[Hey, don't look at us that way. He was being a pain in the ass.]  
  
"That's just some firewood," lectured Nazbutt.  
  
"Ah, but the Horseguy was a lumberjack in life, was he not?" explained Ickyboo. "That wood displays signs of having been chopped, and everyone knows that only a lumberjack can chop wood!"  
  
Nazbutt considered objecting, but decided that it just wasn't worth the trouble.  
  
"Now, grab some of that wood, so that I may examine it, and then send some back to my superiors, to prove once and for all that the Horseguy exists!" declared Ickyboo triumphantly  
  
Nazbutt bit his tongue.  
  
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Ickyboo and Nazbutt arrived in Ickyboo's room, only to discover that Katrino was already there, staring blankly out the window and attempting to delay the effects of the angel dust she had recently administered to herself.  
  
Ickyboo quickly crossed the room, and hid his evidence logs in a drawer of his dresser. Katrino took special notice of this, but did not say anything. Ickyboo gently led her out of the room, and shut the door behind her.  
  
Ickyboo and Nazbutt sat down, and stared blankly at the floor.  
  
After several minutes of such boredom, Ickyboo suddenly leapt up.  
  
"I know!" he cried, "Let's hunt for treasure!"  
  
Nazbutt gave him a skeptical look.  
  
"Or I could just kick your ass," continued Ickyboo.  
  
"I know!" suggested Nazbutt. "Let's hunt for treasure!"  
  
The two searched the room moronically, overturning furniture and knickknacks. The search wound down as they reached the bed, and they both pulled it aside.  
  
"Look!" exclaimed Ickyboo. "Something on the floor! It must be treasure!"  
  
Nazbutt sighed and pushed the bed completely out of the way.  
  
Upon seeing what was on the floor, both of the treasure hunters gasped.  
  
On the floor, scrawled in blood, was a sinister sign. It consisted of a picture of a pot containing a boiling baby, and a smiling man raising a spoon to his lips. At the bottom of this illustration were the words "Yum Good Baby".  
  
"It's a devil mark!" stated Nazbutt. "Do you know anyone who knows magic and wants to kill you?"  
  
*FLASHBACK* "No. Our vacuum salesman," stated the man, indicating a bleeding pile of flesh in the corner. "We accidentally ran over him with a thresher."  
  
"I see," said Ickyboo. *END FLASHBACK*  
  
"Yes!" replied Ickyboo. "It must be Faltus!"  
  
"Are you sure?" prodded Nazbutt.  
  
"I told you not to prod me!" scolded Ickyboo, slapping Nazbutt.  
  
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That night, The Mystery Machine pulled into town, driven by Fred.  
  
"Like, is there gunna be a guy dressed up as a scary monster?" wheezed Shaggy.  
  
"I dunno, Shaggy," spouted Daphne. "But there is a mystery here!"  
  
"Ruh roh! Ry roveruse reh retter R!" garbled Scooby incoherently. "Screwby doobee dooooo!"  
  
"According to my calculations, we're about to run out of gas!" patronized Velma.  
  
"Calm down, gang. I'm sure we can get some gas here in town." soothed Fred.  
  
Just then, the van did run out of gas.  
  
"Jinkies!" they all cried obnoxiously.  
  
"Hey, Shaggy and Scooby, why don't you go and find a gas station?" spouted Daphne.  
  
"But it's, like, dark!" wheezed Shaggy.  
  
"Reah!" garbled Scooby incoherently.  
  
"Just go!" patronized Velma.  
  
"Like why do you always send me?" wheezed Shaggy. "I've proved time and time again that I'm, like, an incompetent coward!"  
  
"Because we're lazy," soothed Fred, and Shaggy and Scooby were unceremoniously pitched out the side of the van.  
  
Shaggy and Scooby wandered off into the dark woods, in search of the illusive gas station.  
  
"Jinkies!" patronized Velma. "I found a gas can right here!"  
  
"Let's all just wait for Shaggy and Scoob to come back, gang," soothed Fred.  
  
########################################################################  
  
Meanwhile, deep in the heart of the woods, Shaggy and Scooby came across Footpowder, who had been set loose by Ickyboo under the hope that maybe he would die.  
  
"Wow, it's like a giant chicken, man!" wheezed the uneducated Shaggy.  
  
Just then, the Horseguy burst from the woods on his mighty steed, cocktail dress billowing.  
  
"Woa! It's, like, the scary monster!" wheezed Shaggy excitedly, as Scooby Doo jumped into his arms unrealistically. "Like, we'd better take this chicken to go!"  
  
With that, Shaggy, still carrying Scooby, hopped onto the back of Footpowder, who burst off in the direction of the Mystery Machine, after just a few seconds of spinning.  
  
As the van came into view, the Horseguy put on some speed and caught up to the ostrich riders. With one sweep of his axe, he cut off the heads of both Shaggy and Scooby. Their bodies tumbled to the ground, horrifying the watching Scooby cast members who were still in the van.  
  
Fred gunned it, and spun the Mystery Machine in a wide arc, smashing into the side of the Horseguy, and killing his noble steed nearly instantly. The van bumped and jostled its way through the woods, until it hit a rock, rolled seven times, and flew over a cliff. The passengers all perished when it hit the pointy rocks 200 feet below.  
  
The Horseguy mourned his horse for a split second, and ran off with the bodies.  
  
A feminine but old hand reached down and grabbed Shaggy's head.  
  
"This ought to prove useful," cackled the voice belonging to the owner of the hand, as Footpowder attempted to swallow Scooby's head, and slowly choked to death.  
  
######################################################################  
  
At the same time as the god-awful Scooby Doo reference went on, Ickyboo awoke to find his dresser drawer open and empty. With a gasp, he leapt out of bed, and ran down stairs.  
  
In the main fireplace, Katrino was burning his logs. Faltus slept fitfully on the couch nearby, and as Ickyboo entered, Katrino threw the last piece of wood in.  
  
"Why have you burned my wood eels?!" mourned Ickyboo. "Unless...you did this to protect your father, didn't you?!"  
  
"Yes!" responded Katrino. "I was afraid he might catch cold!"  
  
Ickyboo went back to bed resentfully.  
  
########################################################################  
  
The next morning, when Ickyboo came down for breakfast, Faltus and Lady Van Castle were already at the table, talking to one another.  
  
"Did you hear?" moaned Lady Van Castle. "The mailman has died in the night. Apparently, someone cut off all his limbs and left him to bleed to death in a small cupboard!"  
  
"Uh, yeah..." muttered Ickyboo. "That's really...terrible...."  
  
"Oh," started Faltus, turning to Ickyboo. "Everyone in town has decided that you're evil and crazy. We're all holding a town meeting at the church tonight to speak out against you. You had probably better leave."  
  
"I'll remember that," replied Ickyboo, not having even heard.  
  
######################################################################## ########################################################################  
  
Wow, a long(er) chapter! Probably not one of the best, but at least it was long! 


	8. What's With the Beret?

We're back! Finally! This may or may not be the final chapter, but either way, we are making a big effort to finish the whole thing tonight! Woohoo!  
  
Disclaimer: As Rumiko Takahashi once said when asked if female Ranma could get pregnant, "I don't think about it, and neither should you."  
  
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The residents of Stupid Hollow gathered at the church. Ickyboo and Nazbutt peeked around the tree they were hiding behind at all of them.  
  
"...What's going on, again?" inquired Ickyboo.  
  
Nazbutt sighed. "They're all going to a meeting to discuss how crappy you are."  
  
"Oh," said Ickyboo, hanging his head.  
  
########################################################################  
  
Faltus was running late for the meeting, because he had fallen down in the bathtub, and it had taken him longer than he had ever imagined to pry his pear-shaped body back out the small space.  
  
Knowing that his dear wife had gone off to a meadow to pick some cacti, and generally act innocent and unobtrusive to the story line, carrying that big, black, velvet bag of hers, and therefore would need to be reminded of the meeting, he set off to find her on his horse.  
  
Lady Van Castle smiled to herself as she picked through the mud, fingered her big, black, velvet, rattling bag, and muttered in Latin. And...about that bag. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. Stop paying so much attention to it, you nit.  
  
Faltus smiled upon seeing her and her big, black, velvet, rattling, awkward bag.  
  
[We're warning you! Stop it!]  
  
The Horseguy burst through the tree line, riding atop a ride-on lawn mower, the axe raised in his mannequin hand.  
  
"Honey! Watch out!" yelled Faltus.  
  
Lady Van Castle turned and saw the Horseguy. She let out a cry, and started to run. However, she was significantly slowed by her you-know- what.  
  
Faltus turned his head in disgust and galloped off, just as the Horseguy covered the last few feet to his wife. This was not something he needed to see.  
  
########################################################################  
  
"The Horseguy is coming! He killed my wife! Seek shelter!" screamed Faltus as he galloped toward the crowd gathered in front of the church. He leapt down, propped the horse up on its kickstand, and ran inside.  
  
The people made "eek" noises, and rushed to enter the church. Ickyboo and Nazbutt followed.  
  
Just as Ickyboo was about to get inside, an entire wall of the church collapsed outward.  
  
A scraggly-looking black-haired man wearing a beret ran out into view, ripped a tree out of the ground, used it to prop the wall back up, and ran back off to his little chair behind the camera.  
  
########################################################################  
  
Inside the church, panicked townspeople did their best to board up the windows, and those who had rifles broke the glass and aimed their weapons at the Horseguy, who was circling the perimeter menacingly/helpfully, since he was, after all, mowing the lawn as he moved.  
  
Ickyboo observed the Horseguy's movements closely, and came to a conclusion.  
  
"He cannot enter!" cried Ickyboo. "We're safe!"  
  
No one listened.  
  
Dr. Mario approached Faltus.  
  
"If I'm going to die here, there's something I must tell you first!" cried the distraught Italian doctor/plumber. "Pastor Richards has been diverting money from the offerings to his own uses! He has been building a giant rocket-powered statue of himself!"  
  
"Silence, evil doer!" screeched Pastor Richards, crushing Dr. Mario's skull with a handy nearby cross.  
  
Faltus, showing great speed for his age, whipped around, grabbed Ickyboo's gun, and shot Pastor Richards in the face. The entire church went silent.  
  
Faltus shakily climbed the staircase up the pulpit, which was directly in front of a window.  
  
"Whatever's going on here, no one better come near me! You people are scary and horrible!" he yelled.  
  
The Horseguy saw his shadow from outside, and grabbed the scraggly man from earlier out of his chair. Despite mumbled protests about scissors cutting things, he tied the man up, and attached a rope to his feet. He took aim, and....  
  
########################################################################  
  
Piggly Wiggly was a happy little pink pig, living in the charming little town of Piggleston. One day, he went to go visit his best friend, Gibbly Goat. Together, they went off on a nice walk in the meadow, and picked some pretty flowers. They had a most wonderful day together, and they were both sad to see that the sun was going down.  
  
Just then, Constable Plush Bottom's head zoomed down from the sky, and struck Piggly Wiggly on the top of the head at terminal velocity. Piggly Wiggly's skull was crushed nearly entirely down into his neck, and his twitching body collapsed, as the Constable Bottom's head used its own large fat deposits (as well as those of Piggly Wiggly) as a trampoline, and bounced back off into space to continue on its eternal fight for freedom and justice.  
  
Gibbly Goat cried like the little queer he was, and ran off back home.  
  
########################################################################  
  
The scraggly little mumbling guy sailed through the air, shattered the glass behind the pulpit, and impaled Faltus. The Horseguy then used the rope to drag his prize back to himself, and cut off Faltus's head. The scraggly man waved his arms and yelled incoherently, before tearing off into the woods like a madman.  
  
Katrino, upon seeing her father's death, wailed and fainted. Ickyboo gasped, as he saw the floor beneath her was painted with the same sign he had seen under his bed, only larger. Blood dripped from Katrino's fingertip, where she had pricked herself with a pillow in order to obtain blood to draw with.  
  
########################################################################  
  
Nazbutt stood by and watched as Ickyboo packed his bags.  
  
"But...you don't seriously think it was Katrino, do you?" he finally asked. "I mean, there's no way she could have done it! You know she's never sober long enough to devise an evil plan!"  
  
"She was in my room the day we found the mark," sighed Ickyboo.  
  
"So you're just going to leave then, with a horrible monster on the loose?"  
  
"For some sick, twisted reason, I love Katrino," moaned Ickyboo. "I could never stand to see her behind bars."  
  
"You suck, man," said Nazbutt. "You really do."  
  
########################################################################  
  
Ickyboo paused by the carriage as Katrino ran up, completely sober.  
  
"Ickyboo, don't leave!" cried Katrino. "It was not me that killed those people! Sure, it was funny, but I never had a hand in it!"  
  
"All of reason points to you as the killer," sighed Ickyboo. "I have no choice."  
  
"Then you are bewitched by reason!" snapped Katrino.  
  
"I am beaten down by it!" wailed Ickyboo. "See?!"  
  
A large, gruff, stinky man came out of nowhere, and beat Ickyboo to the ground. On his shirt was printed the word "Reason."  
  
"Then may you live by what you have chosen!" barked Katrino, throwing a small book in his face and running back inside the house.  
  
########################################################################  
  
Ickyboo brooded in the rickety carriage as it made its way along the road that led out of Stupid Hollow. He skimmed through the little book Katrino had given him, curious as to why she had done it.  
  
Inside, he quickly found the same symbol he had seen twice before. Below was a caption, which read:  
  
"A SPELL TO INDUCE GOOD APPETITE."  
  
Below that, in smaller print, was the warning,  
  
"Do not use on babies."  
  
On the next page, he found another symbol. This one was of a scraggly severed head, holding an axe in its mouth. It was labeled:  
  
"A SPELL TO BRING BACK MURDEROUS DECAPITATED LUMBERJACKS TO AID YOU IN YOU QUEST FOR REVENGE."  
  
"Hmm," thought Ickyboo. Something was amiss!  
  
He looked out the left window just in time to see Lady Van Castle's head being hauled the other way in a small wagon. Something was odd about it, though....  
  
Ickyboo leapt from the carriage, fell over, and was run over by one of its rear wheels. He got up, ran over, and picked the head up out of the wagon.  
  
The face wasn't right at all. Sure, it was the face of Lady Van Castle, but it was in black and white, and did not sit on the head in the proper way a face should. The eyes were open, and it was smiling!  
  
Ickyboo grabbed the face, and pulled at it. The black and white photograph of Lady Van Castle's gleaming mug tore away easily, as it had been crudely applied with nothing more than scotch tape. The sudden lack of a picture revealed that it was really the head of none other than Shaggy, a bit rotted from being a day old.  
  
"Aha!" cried Ickyboo, tossing the head over his shoulder and running back toward the house of the Van Castles. "I must save Katrino!"  
  
########################################################################  
  
"Now that that stupid detective is out of my way," mused Lady Van Castle, at the same time as Ickyboo was making his discovery, "I can finally rid myself of Katrino!"  
  
She grabbed the eerily sober Katrino by the hair, and dragged her to a nearby carriage. Nazbutt, who had, by some luck, still been around, snuck up behind the carriage by hiding under a box, and clung to it.  
  
############################################################################ ####################################################################  
  
You may have noticed a bit of drama in this chapter after the church scene, and you may be wondering about it. Well, we had a hard time writing this chapter, and especially those scenes, and drama is easy to slip back into when you're having trouble writing comedy.  
  
Also, did you notice Tim Burton's little cameos? Huh? Huh? Huh?  
  
I bet you didn't. Loser. 


	9. A Stupid End for a Stupid Story

As you may have noticed, we did not finish the story last night. BUT, we're here today!  
  
Disclaimer: We might bake cookies today, but you won't get any.  
  
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Off in the rocket-powered statue of Pastor Richards, Lady Van Castle snipped some hair from Katrino's head, and tossed it into a fire. In the fire, there was already the entire skeleton of the Headfull Horseguy (minus the magnificent skull of great skullitude).  
  
"There. That will cure the Horseguy's male pattern baldness for another day," cackled Lady Van Castle. "Now, to call him to come and kill you!"  
  
Nazbutt crept along behind some boxes, using his cigarettes to detect the laser traps that Lady Van Castle had left for him. He smiled when he came across a large mallet, and prepared to use the weapon on her.  
  
"You sealed your own fate, Katrino," stated Lady Van Castle.  
  
Nazbutt crept up behind her, raising his mallet. He cursed as his optic camo inconveniently shorted out.  
  
The robot that had momentarily replaced Lady Van Castle due to a rip in the space-time continuum whipped around to face him, a manic grin on its face.  
  
"BY HELPING YOU AND YOUR MASTER!" gonked the robot spastically, before its head fell off, and it returned to being Lady Van Castle.  
  
Nazbutt nearly pissed himself, and dropped his mallet.  
  
"It's too late for you, anyways," smiled Lady Van Castle. "I have telepathically summoned the Horseguy!"  
  
########################################################################  
  
Ickyboo drove along as fast as he could in the Jeep he had found on his way to the statue. How he knew they would be at the statue, I have no clue, but why do you care?  
  
########################################################################  
  
At the same time, Katrino was being forced to listen to Lady Van Castle.  
  
"You want to know why I killed all those people?" grinned Lady Van Castle.  
  
"No, not really," replied Katrino, taking a swig out of a huge bottle of tequila she had pulled out of...somewhere. [*Shudder*]  
  
"Tough!" snapped Lady. "I want to tell you!"  
  
Katrino rolled her eyes, and took deep gulps of liquor.  
  
"Well, you see," started Lady Van Castle, "My family was forced to leave town and go live in the woods when I was just a little girl. The ignorant villagers, for some reason, had decided that we were satanic. I don't know why. Eating babies is no real fault."  
  
"So...all those people you killed were the ones who drove you out?" slurred Katrino, getting into the story now.  
  
"Uh...no. I just like killing people," said Lady Van Castle matter-of- factly.  
  
"That's just fucking stupid," offered Nazbutt.  
  
########################################################################  
  
Ickyboo pulled to a stop in front of the statue, and leapt out of his vehicle, and over a cliff he had failed to notice. He swore as he climbed back up and walked into the entrance to the statue.  
  
He swore again, opened the door, and then walked inside.  
  
The Horseguy creaked and groaned as he clambered off his lawn mower and up to the statue, just a few moments later.  
  
########################################################################  
  
Lady Van Castle backed away, as Ickyboo was pointing his gun at her. Katrino and Nazbutt moved behind Ickyboo, and the three of them started to leave.  
  
Suddenly, the Horseguy appeared in the doorway. In one frame, he wasn't there, and in the next, he was.  
  
The trio turned, and ran up the stairs instead.  
  
Lady Van Castle hastily hid the skeleton in her bodice, so the Horseguy would not attempt to steal it. She burned herself very badly.  
  
########################################################################  
  
Ickyboo, Nazbutt, and Katrino crawled down into the nose of the statue, which had been built with an escape pod in each of the nostrils. The Horseguy loomed behind them, but they all managed to crawl inside one pod, since he was delayed by a malfunction in his mannequin.  
  
Nazbutt slammed down the launch button, and the little green ball shot out of the nose with great ferocity, and collided with the ground at ninety miles an hour.  
  
The force from this was so great that the statue toppled over backwards, and broke into many little pieces.  
  
Our heroes stumbled out of the crumpled pod, and climbed into Ickyboo's Jeep.  
  
As they left, both Lady van Castle and the Headfull Horseguy rose from the wreckage like zombies, and pursued them on the Headfull Horseguy's lawnmower.  
  
########################################################################  
  
Nazbutt manned the machine gun mounted on the Jeep's turret, keeping the pair on the landscaping implement at bay. As they approached the Outhouse of Doom, the lawnmower smashed into the rear of the Jeep, causing the all- terrain vehicle to spin sideways and flip.  
  
Ickyboo, Nazbutt, and Katrino were thrown from their mode of transport, and landed at the foot of the Outhouse.  
  
The Horseguy and Lady Van Castle came to a stop, and hopped off the mower. Ickyboo charged at Lady Van Castle in an ill-advised attempt to beat her up, and she shot him with the pistol she had mysteriously come by.  
  
Ickyboo collapsed, and Nazbutt ran to help him. Lady Van Castle grabbed the drunken Katrino by the hair, and called for the Horseguy to come and behead her. "Her" meaning Katrino.  
  
However, Ickyboo's ugly coat turned out to be bullet proof, and he jumped to his feet. He rushed Lady again, and this time managed to actually tackle her. Katrino stumbled off, and the skeleton flew out of Lady Van Castle's bodice and onto the ground in front of her and Ickyboo.  
  
The Horseguy did not see this; however, as he was engaged in catching Katrino in order to chop her head off.  
  
Ickyboo and Lady Van Castle tugged at each other's long, girly hair to try to cause the other enough pain that they could go on and collect the skeleton. Nazbutt, disgusted with this, picked up the skeleton himself, and hucked it at the Horseguy.  
  
The Horseguy immediately let Katrino go, ripped his own head off of the mannequin body, and dropped it on the skeleton. Instantly, muscles, flesh, and organs began growing in an unorganized mass around the pile of bones. The disfigured blob screamed and oozed across the ground, leaving a trail of blood. It paused for a moment when it passed Lady Van Castle, and then absorbed her.  
  
It then crawled off into the gateway to hell, which shut itself immediately afterwards.  
  
Ickyboo fainted.  
  
########################################################################  
  
"Ah," said Ickyboo as the carriage stopped. "Here it is. Our new home."  
  
He, Katrino, and Nazbutt stepped out of the carriage, cleverly avoided paying the driver, and walked up to the door of their beautiful new house.  
  
"Oh, I know it's going to be just great," said Ickyboo, "Living here at 3822 Edmund Street!"  
  
Their neighbor grinned at them, and wobbled back into his own house, which had many boarded up windows. Screams emanated from within.  
  
"Yup," sighed Ickyboo contentedly. "We're going to love it here."  
  
The End.  
  
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Yay! We're finished!  
  
If you want to be a beta reader for any future story of ours, just say so in your review. We apologize for the sporadic postings of chapters, and we will be finishing our stories before posting them in the future. So, for now, just go and read all our other stuff.  
  
Or I kill you. 


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